First off, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this. I know Netflix is beckoning your attention just one tab over, but you opted to read something longer than a 2-sentence summary. I'm proud of you. Netflix is a great thing; it allows those without cable (and those without the patience for commercials) to enjoy all the awesome shows that were on TV a year ago. It gives relevance to water cooler conversations and rebrands the "lazy" into "film-buffs." And where would college students be if it weren't for Netflix's sweet, procrastinatory siren's call? Actually writing a paper on a Tuesday night? The horror... And where would bored couples be if not behind the a red loading screen on a weekend night? Actually going out and experiencing their city? Say it ain't so! Everyone's favorite Favorite Tab is taking down the Comcasts of the world and kicking them in the nuts on the way down. Justice. But while we all agree that cable sucks and most advertising is a plague to the scale of buffering wait times (don't tell by potential employers that), we don't all use Netflix in the same way. There is a wide variety of the non-cable viewer, and all it takes is a simple look at his/her Instant Queue to see who they are. Let's begin.
Californication, Weeds, The Borgias. You were deprived the premium channels growing up. Your parents always opted out of the upgrades to the booby- and F-bomb-filled realms of HBO, Stars, and Shotime packages. You had to listen in envy as your friends described the latest episode of Entourage in the school lunchroom. The humiliation. Well now is your chance, friend! Marathon those lascivious and vulgar gems of olde, and call up your old buddy from the cafeteria. He probably won't remember you, but now you can keep up with the conversations about that one chick's awesome rack that they showed. Welcome to adulthood.
The Expendables, Sons Of Anarchy, anything with Jason Statham. We get it, you have a big dick. But there are other options than 120 minutes of fight scenes with just enough story to change up the fight scenery each scene. If you dig action, pick something with a good story too, like Old Boy or Get The Gringo. Save the Van Damme for when you're drunk between football games on the weekend.
Breaking Bad. If you still have Breaking Bad in your instant que and you still haven't experienced the glory that AMC in all their infinite grace has put forth to us, then you're seriously slacking. Listen to your friends. It is, in fact, awesome. You will, in fact, love it. And the ending is, in fact, crazy. Take 40 minutes out of your day and start chipping away. It's worth it.
Gilmore Girl, Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill. We get it, you don't have a dick. But come on, even girls aren't this girly. Man-up your queue. Maybe team up with Expendables guy and find a good middle ground.
Any given trilogy or series. Quite ambitious this one is. I'm sure you have it all planned out in your head, where you knock out the whole franchise in one weekend, but you'll get sick of the tired series halfway through the second installment. I admire your confidence, but if you haven't seen all the Rocky's by now, it's not gonna happen. Hate to break it to you.
Blackfish, assorted Documentaries. Have you ever noticed at parties how you're left out of conversations and people will go out of their way not to engage you? That's because you are Sir Know-It-All McDouchey. Everytime you start a sentence with a, "You know what's really interesting about that..." or "Did you know that..." you're added to another person's avoid this dude list. I'll pick you for my team at bar trivia, but until then, I don't want to hear your Fun-Facts.
Dexter's Lab, Courage The Cowardly Dog, Johnny Bravo. There's two possibilities here. Either you're a young-at-heart 90's kid with a big nostalgia for the shows you had growing up, or you're a chronic stoner. These shows were great to accompany a big bowl of cereal on a Saturday morning circa 8-years old, but if you're enjoying them now, chances are you've enjoyed a big bowl of something else.
Robot and Frank, Jiro Dreams of Sushi, assorted Indie Films. Congratz, you made have out-douched Documentary guy. Don't tell me about how Hollywood is so self-indulgent and superficial now. It's okay to enjoy the occasional episode of Family Guy. Dumb it down for a break, and enjoy rotting your brain.
Tarzan, Robin Hood, Hercules. Ah, there's nothing quite like the warm comfort of a Disney movie to take you back to days before responsibilities, work, or school, to the times when you're hardest decision all day was whether to pair your PB&J with a Snack Pack or Animal Crackers. You have a child's heart and a wide-eyed, hopeful outlook on the world. ... Either that or you're a stoner too. Let's look at the times in your recently watched list. Hmmm... Emperor's New Groove at 2:15am. That's what I thought. Go link up with Cartoon Network guy, I bet he'll smoke you out.
Orange is The New Black, Hemlock Grove, Lillyhammer. You may be only person to use Netflix for what you can't get elsewhere. House of Cards is a work of art, but I for one don't have the patience to weed out the other blossoms from the pile of Netflix Originals. We need people like you to watch them all, and let the others of us know which is worth dedicating time to watching. So thank you. Maybe think about getting a job sometime too--you may have too much time on your hands.
Christmas With The Kranks and any other Holiday Specials. Write this down and remember it: NOT BEFORE THANKSGIVING!
Top Gun, Good Morning Vietnam, Annie Hall. Ah, the classics. The timeless gems that span over generations and only get better. Netflix has done a great service by digging these out of the vault so young people can watch them and understand a few more cultural references. But, just like trilogy guy, you'll likely never get around to watching them if you haven't by now.
M*A*S*H. Really, MASH? Well nevertheless, congratz on finally figuring out the internet, old timer!
Seven, Killing Them Softly, World War Z. Dude, crush on Brad Pitt much?
Avengers, Dredd, Batman. What's the videophile's version of a comic book nerd? That's you. I don't know which is worse, but trust me, neither is good.
Louie, House of Cards, The Office. You actually have good taste in shows. Now just get around to watching them.
Airplane, Zoolander, Anchorman. Good taste, but I'm not going to be watching those with you. Chances are you've seen each of these classics more than you can count and have memorized every line of dialogue in them, back in the 5th watch-through, so have fun mumbling to yourself. You look like a crazy person.
Brüno, Sharknado, anything with Nick Cage. You don't deserve Netflix anymore. Please forfeit your log-in and password to the nearest person without an account, and think about your choices. "I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."