It's been a while since I sat and put the digital pen to the pages of this blog, and it's high time I righted that wrong. My only excuse is that I was studying abroad for three months in Germany and my time was occupied by more important things, like drinking bier. So I thought a fitting come-back post would be to weigh my host country with my home country and see who comes out ahead. Patriotic biases aside, I will try my best to pick the winner fairly, or at the very least, ambiguously. As a disclaimer, these are generalizations based solely on my time abroad and may very well be completely skewed.
Language. Let's start with the speech itself. If Italian and French are the romantic languages of the world, consider German the boner-killer of the world's languages. Some dialects are more deserving of the title than others (looking at you Swiss-German), but all variations are a barrage of phlegmy consonants and awkward umlauts. Having said that, I have no especial adoration for American English, so we have two duds in the mix. I was, however, told by other foreigners on multiple occasions that listening to me talk reminded them of watching a film. Most American English that they heard was from Hollywood movies and I'd rather sound like Clooney than Marx, so...
Winner: USA
Beer/Bier. This should be an easy one. Germans are known for their bier and if those Bavarian monks hadn't brewed that good stuff, they wouldn't have saved the world. (Look it up.) Now, don't think me a heretic for this, but I have to give this one to USA too. This was a difficult thing to explain to my fellow international students because all that we export, and thus are known for, is crap. If all the world sees is Budweiser and Coors Light, they don't know about the awesomeness that is American microbrews. Think of the Goose Islands, the Red Hooks, the Firestone Walkers, the Anchors, and the 21st Amendments of this great nation. No one outside our borders will ever enjoy the taste of a Black Butte Porter. It's a damn shame. But I guess that leaves more for us, right? We have IPAs, lagers, porters, stouts, saisons, ambers, blondes, barley-wines, reds, you name it, we have it (we're going to leave out the fruity beers and Mike's Hard. Those are embarrassments we're pretending don't exist.) From my searching, it seemed 90% of the German stock is pilsners. Also different is the strength. Average ABV over there was around 4-5%. I ordered a 6% beer and the barman warned me that after two of those, I'd be asleep. Clearly he has never had a Firestone Double Jack. And by the way, if you, gentle reader, have yet to taste any of these brews, do yourself a favor and pick up a 6-er. So it is with a heavy heart (and failing liver) that I say...
Winner: USA
Bars. This was possibly the easiest decided winner of them all. Last call in the States--though it differs a bit by state--is supposed to be 2:00am. I can't speak for elsewhere, but in Seattle they usually kick you out around 1:30am so they have time to clean. Bars in Germany don't close. If you have the energy and the stomach for it, you can sit down for after-dinner drinks and stay there until the sun comes up to remind you to get your ass to class in an hour. Not saying I did that, but if one felt so inclined...
Winner: Germany
Festivals. In America we usually require some sort of holiday to clog the streets with street food vendors and live bands performing on stage. Not in Germany. It seemed like every other weekend there was some unknown reason to take to the streets. The food was delicious, you could legally take a road-beer to walk around, and the bands were awesome.
Winner: Germany
Public Transit. If you read my post about my germaphobia, you know how I feel about the transit here at home. The Germans are way ahead of the curve there. They have it broken up into Stadtbahn (trains from town to town), Straßenbahn (street trams), and Buses. All three are immaculate and unapologetically prompt. I once got stranded in some tiny, drive-through town because I was a minute late to the train platform for my . The train was still there but opening and closing the doors for the five seconds it would me to board would've made them late by a modicum. I knocked on the door to the conductor on the other side, but he ignored me and pretended to text until the train left. Consequently, I had to stay in that train station until the morning. Those reliable bastards.
Winner: Germany
Diet. Granted I belong to the camp of crazy crossfitters who only eat meat and veggies, but the German diet is seriously lacking in the protein department. Bratwurst is more fat than meat, and all their meals are centered around Brötchen (bread rolls). In my three months there I had enough carbs to last me and my crossfit gym a lifetime. Lucky the Germans as a whole smoke enough cigarettes and drink enough coffee to induce the necessary bowel movements that otherwise would be suppressed. America is an awesome melting pot so you can walk down the street and eat everything from Afghani to Jamaican on the same block. Variety is the spice of life and of the dinner table. There's a reason the quote on The Statue of Liberty reads, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and have them cook up some kickass food, bro!" I may have paraphrased a little there.
Winner: USA
Late Night Food. One word: Döner. After bar time ends in the Home Of The Brave, your only real choices are Jack N' The Box or McDonalds. Not the best. In Deutschland, you can't walk half a block without running into a Döner place, and they're open all night long. For you readers who haven't feasted on this phenomenal cuisine, it's a Turkish dish of grilled pork, onions, salad, and tomatoes, smothered in yogurt sauce and either put in a pita bread bed or wrapped in a tortilla and toasted. It's magical. Plus, all the protein soaks up the booze and is a perfect pre-hangover cure. Maybe that's why the Germans are such productive workers...
Winner: Germany
Sports. I was in Seattle for the Seahawks Super Bowl win and I was in Germany for the German World Cup win. Both victories induced celebratory riots, fireworks, and vast quantities of alcohol to be consumed. The difference? I actually enjoyed watching the Super Bowl. Try as I might, I can't get into soccer the way the Germans do. I respect the game and the athletes but I'd much rather watch Manning get sacked than 90 minutes of jogging to end at 0-0.
Winner: USA
Parks. When American 20-somethings are bored on a sunny, summer day, they might put on Netflix and waste the day chipping away at their List. Not Germans. They grab a grill, a soccer ball, and some beers and go to the park to actually enjoy the day. What a thought! Then again, maybe that's only because Netflix isn't in Germany yet...
Winner: Germany
Internet. We live in the land of free wifi, where every business has a network for the public and where any two Starbuckses are within wifi range of each other. I know I'm going to sound like the paragon of a spoiled, rich American, but I expect more from a country like Germany. Economically they're leading the EU but I still have to pay to register for the wifi in the Bäkerei? Come on, guys. And if I sound bitter, it's only because the internet quit on me during my Fantasy Football live draft and I ended up on auto-draft. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
Winner: USA
There's probably a lot I'm forgetting here, but if I didn't remember something, it probably wasn't worth including anyway. Germany is a great country, and I can't recommend visiting it enough. I had a blast there for the summer and it was the perfect way to end my college career. So go visit, drink in the park, and never take wifi for granted again.