Well folks, Spring Break is nearly upon us and travel is in the air. However, too many people are unfamiliar with the appropriate conduct of air travel. Sure there are air marshals that ensure the safety of the passengers from terrorist attacks, but far too often occur attacks against our personal riding experience; and who is there to bring to light those offenses? Luckily, Air Marshal Hyneman is looking out for you. Follow these 12 rules and make your next flight much more enjoyable...for those around you.
1. Apparel. There was a time when flying was an adventure. People would dress to the nines to fly across the country. Now we share our cabin with grown men in sandals, and mothers in sweat pants. This isn't your living room, folks. Have some decency.
2. Bare feet. If it's not bad enough that I have to see your thick, yellow toenails growing far past your sweaty, cracked feet in the security line, please don't display them to the world by putting them up on the seat back in front of you. I know you're accustomed to the stench, but you're making rows 17-24 smell like a rock climbing gym.
3. Arm rests. They should be surrendered to the passenger in the middle seat. Window guy, you have the wall. Aisle guy, you have your own too. Don't be greedy. Middle guy got screwed on his seat choice--he needs a consolation. And don't attempt to share the arm rest either. What starts as a nudge of the elbow or waiting until the neighbor lifts his arm to scratch his nose and quickly assuming the vacated strip, will escalate into a bare-knucle boxing match in the aisle every time.
4. Movies. Unless you're deaf or an audiologist, chances are you can't read lips, so don't look over at the movie on my laptop. And while we're on the subject, why is it that without fail, my seat neighbor always looks over right at the sex scene? They're probably assuming I'm killing time from Seattle to Phoenix by watching porn. I'm not that guy, I promise.
5. Babies. Do they make children's Ambien? Okay, well at least have some Tylenol PM on the drink cart then. I can't hear the person in the seat next to me through the muffling engine noise, but somehow the shrieks of the kid 12 rows back can pierce through my $200 noise-cancelling headphones.
6. Pets. Do they make Beano for dogs? Your Chihuahua can ride in your lap, but the second it farts, its going below deck. (On second thought, the same goes for the big dude sitting next to me.)
7. Lavatories. Unless your captain is Michael J. Fox, I don't think there's any amount of turbulence in the world that is grounds for the amount of urine that somehow always finds its way onto the toilet seat. Control yourself, guys.
8. Illnesses. This may be against the Geneva Convention, but can we quarantine all the sickies to the back of the plane? If I wanted to spend my vacation with a virus, I'd be flying to Tijuana.
9. B.Y.O.F. TSA prohibits me from bringing my shaving cream aboard, but you can bring on all the acrid food that you're able to stuff in your purse. I don't know if there is a meter somewhere that measures the potency of a smell, but could we please keep the snacks somewhere below "3-day old egg salad sandwich?"
10. Chit chat. The same rules that apply to a men's bathroom apply to an airplane: keep it quiet and mind your own. We're here because we have to be. There's no need to talk about the predicted weather at our destination--riveting though that discussion may be.
11. Debarking. This isn't the Titanic, lady. Women and children can wait their turn like everyone else. Unless you have a connecting flight leaving in the next 5 minutes, I'm gonna be throwing 'bows like Anderson Silva.
12. Drinking. Drink up. Flying sucks and scotch makes it suck less. So throw back those 4 Glenlivets, but unless you have the aisle seat, you get one bathroom break per 2 hours of flight time. I don't want to have to get up every 2 minutes--this isn't Mass.